I'm holding back.

I broke down today. 

When the tears streamed down my face, i've nothing to say. After bathing, i realised i've been such a useless fool all this while. The ' fool ' i used on jordan, should be used on me, myself. I feel dumb. I'm just someone who thinks that i mean something in all their hearts, but in actual fact, no. I'm just a clown, an entertainer, someone who is so crazy and stupid to laugh at every single thing. But, think. Out of all the laughter, how many are real? Even i'm not sure of that. 

Things didn't turn well in school just now. Came back and conferenced with sophia and yvonne. Ok things are back to normal, i guess? So yeah, wasn't in a really good mood because of incident 1 and incident 2. I thought i could find some peace at home. But in the end, i argued with my sister. Ahma came back home, scolded me to have my shower. ( Because i talked on the phone once i got home. ) For that one moment, i self-pitied myself. Yeah, that's really sad. For yourself to pity yourself, can you imagine how pathetic you are? Yep, i'm such a dumbass, if you are thinking so.

School work has been piling up as well. English lessons are stressful for me, because i suck at english. What hurts most is that friends around are doing well, and there's no one beside you to encourage you. No matter how well i do, no one will be there to push me on. & that's when i start to think no one ever cares about all the effort i put in. What the hell am i living for? Parents will say ' for your future. if you work harder now your future will be brighter. ' But did they ever think that what we children want is a happy life, and not one which has all the achievements but no happiness. If there's no happiness, all the achievements won't be real achievements at all. But if there's happiness, the happiness is able to cover all the achievements. 

' Maybe i'm too oblivious to the things going on around me, that i don't realise i'm hurting as much as i'm. '

To think that i was so happy during lunch today. It's okay, shit happens. I'll overcome this, watch me.

Hold me. I just want to be held.